Today I give you the 99th page of my first YA novel, EMERALD'S KEEPER, which has been shelved.
Yeah, I'm a cop out. I'm not putting my WIP up. It isn't ready for public scrutiny. ;)
Page 99 of EMERALD'S KEEPER:
All Class One creatures were part of the challenges. Those were things like the rhests and the spates, which were alligator-like creatures that lived in the trees. It also included squirrels that have been turned. A few Class Two creatures were thrown in for good measure. They were things like the wolves with heat vision and frogs that shot poisonous darts. The only Class Three creature was the phantom, and no Class Fours were allowed.
“What are you over here brooding about?” Chelsea, a junior Earth, plopped down on the couch beside Mandy.
“I’m in the challenge today.”
Chelsea’s freckled face scrunched up. “No fun.”
“Yeah, I’m nervous.”
“You’ll be okay as long as you remember all the spells Mike has drilled us with.” A hint of a smile played at Chelsea’s thin lips when Mandy’s cheeks flushed.
Mandy didn’t know why her cheeks felt the need to betray her like that. She pursed her lips and glanced sideways at Chelsea who burst out laughing.
Anna marched over from the cluster of boys she had been flirting with and raised an eyebrow at Mandy. “What could possibly be so funny?”
Now Mandy started giggling.
Anna obviously didn’t appreciate being left out. “Fine. Be that way.” She flipped her hair and spun around to leave.
“Anna, don’t be like that.” Mandy attempted a serious face, but failed miserably as the giggles continued to escape. “We were just laughing because I’m so hopelessly easy to read.”
Chelsea nodded, her gray eyes wide. “She’s hopelessly in love with Mike is what her problem is.”
“Ah!” Mandy swatted at Chelsea. “I am not!”
There you have it! And....now I remember why I shelved this. lol
38 comments:
I like the world you created. Very cool. I'd keep reading just to see how the characters react and to see what the challenge is. Ok I'm off to read BSSS--- I'll be busy commenting on blogs today while I"m at work so I need to get into the story now while it's still quite.
I was already intrigued by the opening paragraph. I need to find out who/what these "Classes" are and what it all means. I also like the interaction between the girls and I want to know who Mike is. I think your page 99 works :)
Erinn, SHOO! Get thee to the manuscript post haste! lol :P
Quita, thank you! :)
Are you kidding me? Why did you shelve this?! I HAVE to know more about this world--the whole thing about the "classes" piqued my interest. :)
Pam, I might pull it off the shelf one day, but it needs a major rewrite and I'm not sure it's worth it. lol But I'm glad you like my page :D
Yes, very cool premise. Thanks for sharing. And hosting! This is fun.
I like this page! This is something I'd keep reading, because I'm interested in the world as I see it from the couple of paragraphs.
I definitely think you should go back to this one someday. Very intriguing!
My ninja package arrived yesterday, btw. Thank you so much!!
This has an interesting feel to it. I'd keep reading, just to see what all these creatures are!
I like the world, I would definitely read more to understand the world better. I'm sad you shelved it.
Oh my gracious, all these sad faces at my story being shelved! You're making me feel guilty! lol One day, lovelies. One day it will come off the shelf. :)
I liked this page and I do think I would continue to read to find out more about everyone. I understand about putting something on the back burner for a time. When you're ready it will be back on your desk. Thanks for sharing.
Holly, I know you're happy with having shelved this, but I do think it should be revisited one day.
I am taking a car trip this weekend. Your MS on the tiny laptop. Hope to read it all!!!!
I haven't read the rest, but based on this page, I don't think you should shelve it. Your first paragraph might need a little tweaking - mixed tenses.
You know you are deep into another world with unfamiliar inhabitants. I'd keep working on it.
I'm interested enough in the glimpse of the world in the first paragraph to turn the page, but it read to me more like a mid-grade than a YA, though I am by no means an expert. YA is basically not my thing, but it reads pretty young.
The writing is good, though, so maybe you should rethink the shelving? With some revisions and editing, who knows, right?
Aaaack! I've been wanting to read Emerald's Keeper for FOREVER! And um, I want to be in these classes... Woah. :D It's a little rough, but you could take it off the shelf sometime! I see a really neat concept here, anyway.
Hi,
Thanks for hosting this blogfest!
Shelving a manuscript for a little while is no bad thing. You'll come back to it with a fresh eye and see the best way forward.
You've already spotted niggling factors and to be honest, this scene has all the ingredients for a pot-boiling fantasy airing elements of horror! YAs love scary gruesomes, so I wouldn't leave this on the shelf for too long. ;)
best
F
On the shelf? Eyebrows try to kiss in the middle from the frown. The first paragraph, out of context was a bit confusing, but still understandable. Your Dialogue feels natural and I want to see what the challenges are.
This is fascinating, you really get a sense of another world! I'd love to know more about it :)
It's hard jumping into the middle of a book not knowing what's going on. But you did catch me interest, I would probably keep reading.
KO- *dances* Can't wait to see what you have to say!
Mara- that's why it needs a major rewrite. The voice isn't what it needs to be :)
And thank you all who said you like it! *blushes*
Erinn Kane Spocks link took me to my own blog (Wendy Tyler Ryan). Maybe you can fix it.
The first paragraph had a lot of intrigue. I'm curious what all these things are and how the classes interact.
First, thanks for hosting the blogfest. It will be fun reading everyone's work (now that my internet connection has returned). I'm already loving the comments left by your kind readers. :)
SECOND, and more to the point, I like this. I'd turn the page. A few details tickled my interest, like the classes of creatures (my favorite being the wolves with heat vision) and your use of the name Mandy, which was my sister's nickname when she was little. I'd like to know what the challenge was, what sort of creature Mandy is, and what her role will be.
A shelf need not be forever. :)
I'm with everyone else. 1st paragraph = intriguing! I'd totally read the back of the book and probably buy it! Its sounds like an interesting combination of complete fantasy and normal, everyday teenager stuff :)
I agree with the other. Take this off the shelf! I like the world you created and want to know more about these classes. I'm intrigued for sure and would keep reading.
Wow! The first paragraph is wonderful and mysterious! I'm curious about those creatures! I'd keep reading. Nice job! :)
Also, thanks for stopping by and commenting on my pg. 99! :)
This is great. It's got a distinct feel to it, and the characters are so real, even in the midst of what is obviously a very different world. Great balance. I'd read more ^_^
You had me at "squirrels that have been turned" and I would have to know. The rest sounded pretty good too.
Very playful, cute. The first paragraph threw me way off, though. It could be because I've read too many page 99's, and they're starting to blur together.
I'd read on.
Marie, http://mariereaden.blogspot.com
The dynamic between the girls was really easy to relate to. The hint of magic and the explanation of how it's quantified in this world is intriguing. I would read more.
I am curious about this world as well. Just what does it take to turn a squirrel. (You had me at that line.) I also liked the way the MC feels her cheeks have betrayed her by blushing.
Holly, I understand why you shelved it--on the one hand, it's a bit cliche--I immediately thought "Harry Potter." HOWEVER... DESPITE the cliche, I like the world that's here. There's something going on--some danger, some challenge--and there's a lot of potential implied for revision. The title alone intrigues me.
So I WOULD turn the page. :-)
(And to be fair and honest, your cliche beats the hell out of the best work I've seen from other writers.)
I really like the interplay between the characters
Really? Because I loved that line about Mandy's cheeks having a need to betray her. It made me laugh.
I hope it's not too late to enter. I loved the dialogue in your entry. Roland
Nicely written.
For a page 99 it has a nice flow to keep the reader interested. I would turn the next page.
Michael
Very interesting. I'd love to learn more about the difference classes of creatures and what exactly the challenges are.
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